Vow of Silence, Day 3

Ah, time for the update on Day 3. Today was a good and relaxing day. I learned more about Buddhism since I read quite a bit and will continue to read a lot. My goal will be to have my Buddhism for Dummies book finished by the end of my vow. I am half way done with the book and near half way finished with my vow, so looks like it may be down to the wire! Haha. Anyway, Ryan came back from Florida and it was good to see him, even though I couldn't really say much to him. His story was very interesting and I wish I could've spoken to him, but a vow is a vow. I spent a good amount of time with my family today, which is nice. I guess when you can't speak you tend to spend more time around the people who see you the most. Perhaps they understand you a bit more. Also, when someone is not speaking, it is easier to get a little lonesome, so spending time with people is nice even though you can not speak to them. Meditation was very good today. I put some of the Zen Buddhism meditation practices into...well, practice and it turned out quite well. I do believe my becoming a Zen Buddhist was the appropriate decision, for it has already made me so happy. I also had the chance to observe myself quite a bit. I came to notice that when you do not have to use of your voice, you tend to be more patient because you can not simply say something, you must find another way to communicate, whether by body language or hand signals. Of course, when your family needs to have a serious conversation with you, have a computer nearby helps. Regularly, I wouldn't use the computer, but this was a very serious matter. I am also sure that some of the readers are wanting to know who the select few are that I mentioned in earlier entries, so to clear the air about it, I will not mention who they are, and I also will not tell their names after my vow is up either. I came to this decision because I felt it best to be that way. Those select few know who they are and are welcome to come forward if they want, but I will not give out their identity.

One sad thing that I have noticed is that now that I am silent, it is more difficult for me to help my friends with their problems. I have friends who will send me text messages that need advice, but I can't help them due to the vow. I don't enjoy that feeling. Well, perhaps I should discuss emotions during the vow of silence now. I am able to reflect on my emotions much deeper than before. I am able to watch my emotions and feel the ones I choose to feel. Also, I feel that I have a much wider range of emotion. Generally, when we feel something, we verbalize it so that others can sympathize, which means we have to put them into a verbal form. Without the speaking aspect, I am able to truly feel each and every emotion more deeply, because I do not vocalize a shortened version of it. When I hear or feel something that is pleasing to my ears or touch, I enjoy it more. Taking out the verbal part of my senses causes me to not think of words so much, so I do not need to describe it to myself, I merely need to just let the feeling enter.

My dad asked me another question today.

Is it becoming easier since a few days have passed? Yes, it is getting a little easier to stay silent, as I am becoming more accustomed to it, as are those around me.

One subject I would like to address is this, speaking and not speaking seems to create a different personality. It feels almost as if I am a different person, since I am not giving speech. I have been in situations where myself as a speaking person would've acted differently than myself as a silent person. Imagine it as having a coin sitting on a table. You've left the coin there for years without touching it, in fact, the coin has been there for as long as you can remember. One day, you decide to flip the coin over to see what is on the other side and it is NOTHING like the other side. Like going from silver on one side to brass on the other. Both are beautiful, have other very good qualities, attached to the same thing, yet are completely different. That is what it is like to go from vocal to silent. Though it feels like a different personality, I know that once I can speak again, I will take favor of the better personality and that will be my silent one. I am not saying I am going to be silent all the time, for I feel that I will have much to say, but I will continue to be what silence has made me. I can not put it into words, for there are not enough words for it. There are some things humans can not and should not put into word form. You merely have to experience it.

And for the record, it sometimes becomes difficult to think of things to type, so if there are any questions anyone would like answered, you can email them to me zenpigeon89@gmail.com

I am done for the night and am off to read more in my book.

Namaste.